Canvas Thee Thoughts - Keepsake Thou Journal

Canvas Thee Thoughts - Keepsake Journal 

I stood in the shower with my clothes on, as I let the cold thunderous form, rain right through my already drench garment. Occasionally, I would took a glance of my numbly reflection upon the mirror which was hung right across the shower room. It seems, the mess bloodied floor has been cleared and I knew it was Habil that had eventually took the trouble to wash and rinse  it, while I was gone. I feel thankful but deep beneath my soul, I just wish there would be a slight stained left for me to mourn upon. 

 

That sudden light tapping on the door had retreat my conscious back to existence. I slightly ran the shower tap to light trickle form, as I amble closer towards the door and stood by it side. 

"Reem..." it was Habil. I muted myself as I was hiding my raging sob. "Reem.... it's never your fault. Non of it..."

"At that frenzy moment, I had almost wanting to hurt her...I swear.. I did have that sick intention ..." I cried as I clutched tightly upon the door knob.

"What makes you change your mind then?" Asked Habil calmly much to my startled.

"I... I don't know..." I stammered.

"It was you ... your infinity strength of courage and faith that had awaken your conscious...." utters Habil.

Despite I've been soaking wet and shivering due to the coldness from that endless cold shower which I bearing myself with, I still remain numb and statued by the door.

"Back in my past, after my lost, it took me such a long time, for me to accept and move on...." state Habil. "But, after I've met you, somehow or rather, you seems to remind me, so much about my past. However, you appeared to be much more valiant and stronger than me...." trails Habil solemnly.

"A lost? Does he carries so much pain and dreaded scars deep within his calm and compose spirit, which he's been canvassing beautifully for me to apprise?" Marked my thoughts. Probably I've been too self centred .. I only think about my own pathetic sheets and never give a second thoughts for him. Indeed, we barely known one another but there's something about Habil that had actually counsel my horrendous behaviour and attitude. Still having both my palms enclosing the door knob, I breath in the air of courage and turn it open. "Am I? But I'm fleeing... not wanting to accept another lost.. that's what you've mark me with earlier on..." I said with slight tinge of rage and annoyance.

"You could have taken that chance long time ago I presume, but you did stay..." replied Habil. And with those words, he took a pocket size journal, which belongs to my dad and place it in between my hands. It was my dad's personal notes and writings, which he would religiously jot down, the details of his daily events.

"Where did you find this?" I asked as I held upon that long lost journal tightly in between my palms.

"Last night, your dad seems to be awake and aware of his surroundings." Habil mutters as  he lightly took my hand and bring me out from the bathroom. Then he grab a towel that has been hung upon the rack and as gently as he could, he begins to dry my hair.

"Thank you ..." I said with a meek smile as I took the towel from him and wrap it around my shoulder. "Habil, it seems my dad might be making a progress or something..." I noun feeling hopeful. Hopeful for some form of miracles, but nevertheless it's just another delusion chart which I've painted for myself. To see everything fall back in place like how it used to be.. just me and my dad.

Habil lightly nodded his head with solemness clearly noun in his eyes. "Your dad urges me to stand next close to him which I comply. Then he held out his hand and he ask me to sit him up which I did. Then he whispered 'the red closet drawer' for several times. I linger my sight within the room and then I saw that mini closet which was situated in between those flower vase.." mark Habil earnestly as he pointed the red closet which I've never actually had any interest with that, not until today. "I came closer towards it and there I saw the drawer." Continues Habil. "Your dad nodded his head several times as if he's telling me to open the drawer and that's where I saw this journal. I took it and bring it to him.." state Habil solemnly.

"And he gesture you to read it?" I asked curiously.

"He took it in his hands. He was struggling as he was trying to flip through those pages.. I assist him though and that's where he finally open up to his recent writing I presume....the day when both you and your dad were...." pause Habil gloomily.

"Having another of those sickening argument which I fully regret for the rest of my life now..." I mutters as tears begin to wells in my eyes.

"Wow wow wow..." snapped a thunderous tone and I know that's trouble cause it's Freda much to my annoyance. I bring myself away from Habil who seems to look kind of startle upon Freda's sudden outburst.

With the journal still close in between my clasp, Freda came directly for it and roughly pull it away from my hands. Suddenly, I felt a sheering pain deep within my palms and I knew, it was paper cut. Habil might have caught that misfit look mark across my agonising face as he amble closer to me. However much to my disgust, Freda was much quicker as she came right in front of me and gave me a hard slap upon my face.

"Hey, cool it lady ..." rant Habil furiously.

"You stay out of this..." hissed Freda as she push Habil away from me. 

"You've finally thought you will have it all don't you?" Cried Freda as she had her sharp hatred eyes staring hard on me and then in such frantic notion, she begin to roughly flipping through the pages of my dad's journal. 

"Just what now Freda..?" I utters meekly. "If it's those properties deeds which you've been craving for.. just take it all right .. take it all.."

Freda storm an inch closer towards me and roughly clutches upon my damp hair... Habil must have felt kind of intimidated with Freda's barbaric nature as he pulls me away from her and bring my pathetic form close to his side.

"You will soon learn what I'm capable of, you ignorant fool .." warned Freda harshly as she had her raging eyes fix upon Habil's.

"Habil, maybe you should leave..." I cried as I bit my lower lips in wanting to mask my fear of Freda's horrific temper.

"I'm not leaving for I'm still on duty..." state Habil coldly with his fiery eyes looking sharply towards Freda's. "And I can't be leaving you all alone with her...because I've learn so much cruelty and unfairness treatment which you were force to endure living with them....." utters Habil as he turns his piety look towards my frail form.

"That journal...?" I stammered.

"Your dad has written it all..." trails Habil glumly.

Freda begins to sense treat, however her embarking pride simply has blinded her soul from seeing the truth. "What's the used of this old tattered journal ... your dad ought to present his wealth deeds to me before he's dead.. for that's all I would care about..." rant Freda frantically as she flung the journal right across my face and left.

Suddenly, I felt that sharp throbbing notion jabbing my head. That clouding darkness had begins to enclose my surroundings. I could almost heard my name being called faintly..and I knew it was Habil but the numbness sensation had wanting to engulf me with nothingness....that transcend complex view had decided to overcome my reality.

"Mum..." I state coldly with darkening note robbing my true self....

Canvas Thee Thoughts - Pulsing Faith

Canvas Thee Thoughts - Pulsing Guts

"Reem...Reem..." That persistent yelling. I knew Leia was in desperation calling out to my senses, to transit back to reality. "Reem please...."

Suddenly, I felt awaken but with a shocking notion. When upon that arisen moment, I  begin to realise that I was clenching the huge shower head tightly by my side and I was standing just few inches close next to tearful Leia. "What was I thinking?" Rant my inner voice of fear. And upon that sheering moment, I let the shower head slipped off from my fingers and upon that awakening gait, I took my steps further away from Leia with a frightening note embarking my soul.

"Reem ..." moan Leia in such ailing form.

"I will go get help..." I mutters as I managed to compose my thoughts and called for an ambulance. "My dad?" Cried my inner voice."Darn" Upon that sentiment, I seems to be left with no other choice, but to call Habil.

"Hello..." mutters Habil.

"I need you to come over to my home immediately ..." I said, hoping he would not sense the anguish and desperation note from the tone of my voice.

"All right...." he respond and without saying anything, he shuts his phone. I was kind of stunned and my thoughts begin to reel upon the canvas of negativity. Was he upset with me or did I actually had bothered him with my non intentional desperate measures? I shake my head lightly as my vibes range back upon Leia. Without wasting anymore time, I quickly call for an ambulance as I fled back towards the bathroom.

Leia was already in subconscious state as cold perspiration had form and both her palms were cold and clammy. My spirit begins to deter fear, as I held Leia close to my side. "Hang on.." I utters glumly.

"It wasn't Ezra ... " rant Leia frantically as she grip upon my arms firmly and suddenly in that split moment, she lost her consciousness.

It seems to take forever when finally a medical officer came towards me with a solemn look clearly written on her face. Deep within my soul, I know this isn't good.

"I'm so sorry Miss Reem, an emergency surgery need to be done to save your sister's life..." she marked with a distinct note of urgency.

" What kind of surgery?" I asked anxiously.

 "Radical hysterectomy..." she state leaving me looking kind of lost as I was totally unknown of what that surgery was about. "It's a complete removal of the uterus.." she explain shortly.

"That means Leia won't be able to have another child of her own?" I asked sorrowfully. I don't know why, despite I've been kind of growing up with her, in such spiteful manner, which both she and her mum had flourish me with, but somehow or rather, I begin to feel kind of emotionally dampen, I feel sorry for her and I feel a tinge sense of care or even love for her.

She nodded her head grimly as she took a form in her hand and place them in between my palms. "Leia is unconscious and I'm afraid she might have slip into a coma due to septic shock.. therefore getting her to sign this consent form is impossible now."

I took the form as I tries to maintain my composure to consolidate my thoughts and my guts. "We've got to wait for her mum and him.." I mutters as I fought hard not to let my tears fall.

"Please don't wait for too Long, or we could eventually jeopardise her life .." she warned and then she took her pace and headed back straight towards Leia's observation ward.

Upon that frantic notion I begin to call and sending lots of messengers to Ezra, hoping that he would just pick up my call and read at least one of my messages. However, to my disdain he simply shut himself off. And Freda, it was hopeless since she's block me off from her contact lists, therefore there's not much I could do either. I held the consent form close to my side as I walked towards the awaiting seats that was situated close by the main lift lobby. I withheld my tears as I sign the form and place it upon the nursing station. And without turning back, I took my pace and leave.

Dawn is catching up too soon, much to my anguish as I knew, I will definitely be not able to presence myself for today's final paper. Throughout my journey in the cab, my thoughts was whirling and twisting with jabbing guilt and self blaming. If only, I could retreat back those flaws attitude of mine, Habil would not have left and time would not have been wasted. Who knows I could even have few minutes to read through those last few chapters of my summaries notes. The agonising fatigue has finally encore deep within my being, much to my dismay.

As I was stumbling with tiredness while I was walking closer towards the front door, suddenly my phone rang. And to my anger, it was Ezra. "I'm not coming for today's paper..." I snapped before I shut his call off. Few more ringings and messengers came rushing through my phone but I just couldn't be bothered anymore...

Still feeling uptight with unleash anger and disappointment, I fret just before I could actually enters my home. With mix cocktail of confusion, somehow or rather I plunge courage back into my spirit as I enters the living room and there stood Habil looking remorsefully towards me.

I just can't contain my tears any longer when suddenly I begin to sob uncontrollably. Habil came closer towards me, and held me close in his arms.

"I'm so tired.... " I mutters with trembling note staining the canvas of my thoughts.

Habil remain unspoken, but he held on to my crumbling form, gently caressing my hair and lightly touching the back of my neck. His touch and his presence had actually, remarkably infused some sort of enlightenment strength and courage upon my soul. I just wanted to hang on to his touch but upon that sheer moment, I withdrew myself away from him. However, he had continue to held on to my hands and bring them close to his chest. He bring himself closer towards me, as he lightly touches my face and had his lips brushes next to mine. I closed my eyes just wanting him to undo me more, much to my repulsing guts, when suddenly Ezra came flashing in my thoughts. In that split notion, I pushed myself away from Habil. 

"Please forgive me..." mark Habil regretfully.

I bring my palm and gently place it upon the side of his face. "Thank you.." I said and then I walk towards the stairs and headed down towards the basement back to my room.